Y'all, the divorce between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has got me twelve kinds of stressed out. I'm gonna list the kinds:
1. Boob stressed. I literally carry the weight of the world in my breasts. And this divorce is ONE HEAVY LOAD.
2. Water stressed...I'm all sortsa puffy from cryin all these Hollywood divorce tears.
3. Dress stressed. I've been hyperventilating from bein crazy sad, and I'm about to pop some buttons on this oversized summer sheath, Y'all.
5. Mickey Ds stressed. I just ordered four super-sized #8s on a whim...WHAT EVEN IS A NUMBER 8?! I'm so stressed.
6. Dick stressed. No, I don't have one, but my fiance won't lend me his for relief during times of tragedy. He says it'll help build my character. Yeah, AND MY LIBIDO, MMKAY!?
7. Dawson's Creek stressed. They'll never make anymore episodes now that Katie's so upset! Wait, my publicist said they haven't made any new episodes since 2003. But...BUT IT'S SO LIFELIKE ON NETFLIX!
8. Baby stressed. Who's to say that child protective services won't mix up Suri and Baby Maxwell when they're coming to collect. Maybe child protective services will go on a children of Hollywood collecting spree! In that case, they should go pick up Will Smith's kids...They need help. They're crazy. Even I know that.
9. Song stressed. The only thing that I've been able to squeak out since the...divorce (shhhh)...is "You're Still the One" by Shania Twain, and I NEED to get cracking on my Christ-mas follow up album. I'm thinking of doing a scream belt version of "Silent Night". I'm also thinking of doing a few sexy soft core raps. The album is loosely titled, Baby Jesus in My Crib.
10. Twitter stressed. I feel like I should tweet somethin' relaying my condolences. Katie told me she thought I looked great in my leather studded burgundy pantsuit backstage on the '99 KISS FM tour while I was being wheeled away by the paramedics. The pressure of my pants crushed my ass bone...tail bone? I think it's only right for me to support her in time of stress while she supported me in my time of stress.
11. Joe Simpson stressed. In general. All the time, y'all.
12. Science stressed. Did you know they broke up because Tom believed in science, and Katie didn't want to raise Suri in a world governated by science and all? I don't want Maxwell to grow up believing in science either. She should only believe in the power of fairy dust, imaginary friends, high heels before the age of three, and fitted tu-tus. I hope Maxwell's daddy doesn't disagree because then then the only man left in our lives will be Jesus Christ.
