Tom Kat's...OVER?!

Y'all, the divorce between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has got me twelve kinds of stressed out. I'm gonna list the kinds:

1. Boob stressed. I literally carry the weight of the world in my breasts. And this divorce is ONE HEAVY LOAD.

2. Water stressed...I'm all sortsa puffy from cryin all these Hollywood divorce tears.

3. Dress stressed. I've been hyperventilating from bein crazy sad, and I'm about to pop some buttons on this oversized summer sheath, Y'all.

5. Mickey Ds stressed. I just ordered four super-sized #8s on a whim...WHAT EVEN IS A NUMBER 8?! I'm so stressed.

6. Dick stressed. No, I don't have one, but my fiance won't lend me his for relief during times of tragedy. He says it'll help build my character. Yeah, AND MY LIBIDO, MMKAY!?

7. Dawson's Creek stressed. They'll never make anymore episodes now that Katie's so upset! Wait, my publicist said they haven't made any new episodes since 2003. But...BUT IT'S SO LIFELIKE ON NETFLIX!

8. Baby stressed. Who's to say that child protective services won't mix up Suri and Baby Maxwell when they're coming to collect. Maybe child protective services will go on a children of Hollywood collecting spree! In that case, they should go pick up Will Smith's kids...They need help. They're crazy. Even I know that.

9. Song stressed. The only thing that I've been able to squeak out since the...divorce (shhhh)...is "You're Still the One" by Shania Twain, and I NEED to get cracking on my Christ-mas follow up album. I'm thinking of doing a scream belt version of "Silent Night". I'm also thinking of doing a few sexy soft core raps. The album is loosely titled, Baby Jesus in My Crib.

10. Twitter stressed. I feel like I should tweet somethin' relaying my condolences. Katie told me she thought I looked great in my leather studded burgundy pantsuit backstage on the '99 KISS FM tour while I was being wheeled away by the paramedics. The pressure of my pants crushed my ass bone...tail bone? I think it's only right for me to support her in time of stress while she supported me in my time of stress.

11. Joe Simpson stressed. In general. All the time, y'all.

12. Science stressed. Did you know they broke up because Tom believed in science, and Katie didn't want to raise Suri in a world governated by science and all? I don't want Maxwell to grow up believing in science either. She should only believe in the power of fairy dust, imaginary friends, high heels before the age of three, and fitted tu-tus. I hope Maxwell's daddy doesn't disagree because then then the only man left in our lives will be Jesus Christ.

BABY MAXWELL! YOU ARE MY WORLD!

Happy July! My birthday is in ten days! What'd you get me?

Here I am talking about Ann Curry, Lebron James, and "Brave!"

My First YouTube Video, Y'all! It's about my Twit Pics and Weight Watchers!

Is that me? No, it's Fergie.

Ok, so, I feel silly saying this but every day I pass this billboard and I think, "Is that me?" BUT IT IS NOT. And then the next day, I see it again, and I'll be darned if I don't think the same thing.
Ya know, I actually don't like getting drunk but I do love the taste of vodka so I came up for a recipe:

1 part Vodka Jalapeno Olives
100 parts Vodka Sauce
Combine both in a Crystal Decanter
Serve chilled. Or hot. Or at room temperature. Come to think of it, I'm drunk. And I DO like it.


+  + = delicious!!!

Do I smell a cook book? If it smells like vodka, then yes. Yes, I do.
Time to feed the baby!

Gorilla Marketing: Phase 1- Starbucks

Ok so, I go to a lot of Starbucks a lot and I had noticed this trend where they have two tip jars, or whatever a jar's called when it's plastic and square. (Speaking of square, who orders oatmeal at Starbucks? Gross people, that's who. Note to self: Come out with line of clothes for girls who like oatmeal. Call it Lumpy.) Like one squ-jar will say "Lakers" and one will say "Clippers", so if you like basketball you put a dollar in "Lakers" and if you like haircuts, "Clippers." I saw ones that said "Usher" or "Justin Timberlake," so you can tip based on whether you like black people or white people better. BELIEB ME (hint?), the guilt at Starbucks is whiter than their delicious mochas so the "Usher" jar is as full with money as women are with his babies. ZING!
Anypoop, today when I went in to get my Trente Iced Breve (breve is Starbucks for half-and-half), they had MY NAME on one of the jars!!! The other one said "Carrie Underwood" (I don't know who that is, but by the sound of it I think she probably eats a lot of oatmeal.) The jars where almost the same amount of filledness so I emptied my purse into the "Jessica Simpson" one. Then it was really overflowing, but not just with money. With lipstick, Luna bars, and hair extensions. Turns out when they get full, the help empties them so people will feel bad and fill them up some more. That's when I got a great idea for gorilla marketing. Now, this is just a phrase I've heard so I assume it means you market yourself somewhere uncivilized, like the jungle, or in this case, Starbucks. So I had Assistant go in and keep filling up the ME jar. That way people will see it and be like, "Someone's getting popular again!" (I didn't want people to think it was rigged, so every time she went in I made her put on a different outfit from my collection and when we ran out of those, I made her put on fake mustaches.) Since then, eight people have downloaded my Christmas album, which is CRAZY because it's June. And ten people have bought my shoes, if each person only bought one shoe. (Although, I recommend getting two! One for you and one for a friend. These are "coffee" colored. Whaaaat? So perfect. )

So now I'm going to GORILLA MARKET anywhere I can. Keep posted for more because when I'm back on top you can say, "I knew her when she was filling up a tip jar at Starbucks to feel better about herself."

You're So Vein, You Probably Think My Boobs Are About You.

Take that The Voice's Christina Aguilera! And The Christina Aguilera's Boob Veins!

Vintage Bloom!

Ok, so as you all know, last week I came out with a new perfume called "Vintage Bloom." It smells like  a bowl of fruit on the moon. And it's a good thing it came out when it did because several other celebrities were about to drop very similarly named fragrances. Here's what I beat by a hair extension:

Orlando Bloom's "Vintage Bloom"- A spicy bouquet of pirates, elves, and nothing else that's remotely good or memorable.
Mayor Bloomberg's "Vintage Bloom"- Smells like someone's taking my sweet, sweet soda away.
Judy Blume's "Vintage Blume"- It's as though someone just opened up a hope chest full of mildewed copies of "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" that someone took a Superfudge in.
Dick Van Dyke's "Vintage Broom"- A musky mix of mustache and soot.

Don't tell anyone, but my new PARFUM is just
 and  mixed together. And the only thing that's vintage about that picture is ME!

OK, so buy some y'all!

Hey, y'all! It's me! Jessica Simpson! For realz!

Ok so, I just started this blog for two reasons. ONE! I want to have what they call web presents. I don't know what it is, just that Janeane Garofalo doesn't have it, so I should. This is a model I've been basing my life after, whatever JG does or doesn't do, I don't do or do do, ya know. So I'll be putting my 2 cents into... the whatever you put 2 cents into (like a homeless guy's Starbucks cup), about current events, pop culture, and most importantly, the media's portrayal of me! Which brings me to reason TWO! I am on the rise again! Or will be! So this is to keep my family of fans, or fanily, updated on what is coming up, and BELIEB ME it's going to be great (Am I hinting at a project there? You be the Sherlock Beiber. I, mean, Holmes. Or do I?!)
Alright time for bed! More tomorrow. Now, what to wear?