Here I am talking about Ann Curry, Lebron James, and "Brave!"

My First YouTube Video, Y'all! It's about my Twit Pics and Weight Watchers!

Is that me? No, it's Fergie.

Ok, so, I feel silly saying this but every day I pass this billboard and I think, "Is that me?" BUT IT IS NOT. And then the next day, I see it again, and I'll be darned if I don't think the same thing.
Ya know, I actually don't like getting drunk but I do love the taste of vodka so I came up for a recipe:

1 part Vodka Jalapeno Olives
100 parts Vodka Sauce
Combine both in a Crystal Decanter
Serve chilled. Or hot. Or at room temperature. Come to think of it, I'm drunk. And I DO like it.


+  + = delicious!!!

Do I smell a cook book? If it smells like vodka, then yes. Yes, I do.
Time to feed the baby!

Gorilla Marketing: Phase 1- Starbucks

Ok so, I go to a lot of Starbucks a lot and I had noticed this trend where they have two tip jars, or whatever a jar's called when it's plastic and square. (Speaking of square, who orders oatmeal at Starbucks? Gross people, that's who. Note to self: Come out with line of clothes for girls who like oatmeal. Call it Lumpy.) Like one squ-jar will say "Lakers" and one will say "Clippers", so if you like basketball you put a dollar in "Lakers" and if you like haircuts, "Clippers." I saw ones that said "Usher" or "Justin Timberlake," so you can tip based on whether you like black people or white people better. BELIEB ME (hint?), the guilt at Starbucks is whiter than their delicious mochas so the "Usher" jar is as full with money as women are with his babies. ZING!
Anypoop, today when I went in to get my Trente Iced Breve (breve is Starbucks for half-and-half), they had MY NAME on one of the jars!!! The other one said "Carrie Underwood" (I don't know who that is, but by the sound of it I think she probably eats a lot of oatmeal.) The jars where almost the same amount of filledness so I emptied my purse into the "Jessica Simpson" one. Then it was really overflowing, but not just with money. With lipstick, Luna bars, and hair extensions. Turns out when they get full, the help empties them so people will feel bad and fill them up some more. That's when I got a great idea for gorilla marketing. Now, this is just a phrase I've heard so I assume it means you market yourself somewhere uncivilized, like the jungle, or in this case, Starbucks. So I had Assistant go in and keep filling up the ME jar. That way people will see it and be like, "Someone's getting popular again!" (I didn't want people to think it was rigged, so every time she went in I made her put on a different outfit from my collection and when we ran out of those, I made her put on fake mustaches.) Since then, eight people have downloaded my Christmas album, which is CRAZY because it's June. And ten people have bought my shoes, if each person only bought one shoe. (Although, I recommend getting two! One for you and one for a friend. These are "coffee" colored. Whaaaat? So perfect. )

So now I'm going to GORILLA MARKET anywhere I can. Keep posted for more because when I'm back on top you can say, "I knew her when she was filling up a tip jar at Starbucks to feel better about herself."

You're So Vein, You Probably Think My Boobs Are About You.

Take that The Voice's Christina Aguilera! And The Christina Aguilera's Boob Veins!

Vintage Bloom!

Ok, so as you all know, last week I came out with a new perfume called "Vintage Bloom." It smells like  a bowl of fruit on the moon. And it's a good thing it came out when it did because several other celebrities were about to drop very similarly named fragrances. Here's what I beat by a hair extension:

Orlando Bloom's "Vintage Bloom"- A spicy bouquet of pirates, elves, and nothing else that's remotely good or memorable.
Mayor Bloomberg's "Vintage Bloom"- Smells like someone's taking my sweet, sweet soda away.
Judy Blume's "Vintage Blume"- It's as though someone just opened up a hope chest full of mildewed copies of "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" that someone took a Superfudge in.
Dick Van Dyke's "Vintage Broom"- A musky mix of mustache and soot.

Don't tell anyone, but my new PARFUM is just
 and  mixed together. And the only thing that's vintage about that picture is ME!

OK, so buy some y'all!

Hey, y'all! It's me! Jessica Simpson! For realz!

Ok so, I just started this blog for two reasons. ONE! I want to have what they call web presents. I don't know what it is, just that Janeane Garofalo doesn't have it, so I should. This is a model I've been basing my life after, whatever JG does or doesn't do, I don't do or do do, ya know. So I'll be putting my 2 cents into... the whatever you put 2 cents into (like a homeless guy's Starbucks cup), about current events, pop culture, and most importantly, the media's portrayal of me! Which brings me to reason TWO! I am on the rise again! Or will be! So this is to keep my family of fans, or fanily, updated on what is coming up, and BELIEB ME it's going to be great (Am I hinting at a project there? You be the Sherlock Beiber. I, mean, Holmes. Or do I?!)
Alright time for bed! More tomorrow. Now, what to wear?